If my ancient Uncle Mort could somehow “saddle up” the University of Texas’ mascot, and then lean forward, he’d literally be close to the center of BEVO’s horns.
As it is, this simple “what if” only figuratively describes his dilemma concerning the outcome of the upcoming Longhorn-Ohio State football game. Whichever team wins will reach the Holy Grail--the NCAA, major college, gold-plated championship football game.
You’d think he’d be a hands-down fan of the burnt orange team. Instead, he’s sitting on his hands….
My uncle has nothing against UT. What he vehemently opposes is the Southeastern Athletic Conference. He’ll always believe that the SEC’s multi-year plan was to “woo” the old Southwest Conference’s marquee teams.
“I’m not talking about the current Big 12 league,” Mort wheezed. “If the SEC tentacles hadn’t started creeping in years ago, there’d still be a powerful Southwest Conference.”
He said the whole shebang reminds him of his devout preacher uncle who once said: “Where I grew up, everybody was Baptist unless someone had been messin’ with ‘em.”….
All this to say that on the one hand, he’ll be happy if the Longhorns beat the Buckeyes.
Why, says Mort, shouldn’t the Longhorns be able to crush a bunch of nuts, adding, “Ain’t that what Buckeyes are?”
On the other hand, he can’t get excited about the prospect that an Ohio State win might lead to an NCAA championship.
That’s simply not the kind of good fortune he thinks the Southeastern Conference deserves….
We’re nearing the time of year when I pull an end run on TV football games. Typically, I join other viewers 30-40 minutes into games. Utilizing my DVR, I’m able to fast forward through commercials.
This shortens games, and also spares me from the tedium of watching commercials I’ve already seen dozens of times.
The end run is reversed during the Super Bowl, however. Usually commercials are fresh, and often far more engaging than the games themselves. So, during the “BIG” game, I’m likely to fast forward through game action, thereby quickly accessing the next commercial….
Please allow me to praise one current commercial that may reach the height of classics-- like the lady throwing a Discount tire through the store window, and Sara Peller’s search for the beef in a Wendy’s hamburger.
New on the scene is Taco Bell’s intrusion into the domain currently ruled by the burger joints. Taco Bell is proud of its new crispy chicken nuggets.
In one ad, participants are gathered around the sample plate. Viewers are assured that these are NOT paid actors….
The first “taster” offers high praise, but the second has a different story.
She calls the nuggets to be an “abomination.” With sneering derision, she laughs heartily at others whose comments are positive. (I’ve wished for such responses to stories I’ve spun in 23 years of columns and speaking engagements, but, sadly, none so far….)
The announcer admits that there is one paid performer, “Negative Nelly,” and--as one would expect--urges us NOT to be….
I heard my favorite Super Bowl joke years ago from the late, great Congressman Charlie Stenholm, a Christian statesman who is greatly missed.
He told of the youth minister who asked adults to bring sandwiches and cookies to the church’s fellowship hall for a community- wide Super Bowl party for youth following the evening service. As the crowd grew in the sanctuary, he feared that he might have underestimated his needs. He retreated quickly to the fellowship hall, hastily placing a sign on the sandwich table. “Please limit yourself to two sandwiches. Remember, God is watching you.”
He didn’t notice a seventh- grader lurking nearby. When the minister returned to the sanctuary, the youngster made his own sign, this one for the cookie table: “Take all of the cookies you want. Remember, God is watching the sandwiches.”….
Dr. Newbury, longtime university president, continues to speak and write. The Idle American, begun in 2003, is one of the nation's longest-running syndicated humor Columns. Email: newbury@speakerdoc. com.Website: www. speakerdoc.com.
